lackluster.

To be honest, I don't know how I ended up here.  I find myself mixed happiness and misery.  So happy to have my life filled with so many people that I love, yet sadness because I know that many of those relationships will be tested.  I guess I feel like this because it feels like at any moment the people I love, will be taken away from me.  That uncertainty and the unknown is what scares me the most, and is my main reason for crying so much nowadays.  Everything just seems so impossible, and a bit out of reach.  

Looking back to the begging of the school year and think about how fast the time has past. Within myself, much has changed.  The same person who started the year is there, but a bit different.  I can honestly say I don't know where my motivation has gone.  Something happened along the way from last semester to this semester.  Probably the fact that I know what I need to insure my entry into the nursing program and how it seems so impossible.  Or the fact that so many of the people I have gotten so close too in this short amount of time are leaving, and a part of me wishes that I was leaving with them.  

Regardless of the reason why I have become so unmotivated, I know I need to do something to change that.  What that is, I have no clue.  But rest a sure it'll come to me eventually.  Things can only get so bad until they can start getting better.  

It's hard to remind oneself that things will get better because you have now become so accustomed to things being at its worst.  I don't want to end this with you thinking that I have changed from the happy person that I always have been to some depressed lost girl.  Because I am still that happy person that's always going to look for the best in things, but just add in a bit of sadness every now and then.  

you can't be happy unless you've experienced being sad.