love.

I've come to the realization, that I'm really blessed to have the people I have in my life.  Regardless, of the bs that may come at times with friends and family, I still love them.  No relationship is ever perfect, and thats what makes it worth it.  I don't really know what I would do without them.  I never expected to meet such understanding people.  I never expected to be so open with them, but it happened and thank God it did.  

The people I've met so far in my life, have made me the person I am today.  Even those people that I've learned not to like or trust, because you've shown me what I never want to be.  For the people that have made an effort to stay in my life, I love you more than you'll ever know. I know that you can never be with the people you love every single day, but no matter where you are the fact that your heart beats for them shouldn't change.  The love you feel for them is everlasting.  

I love you more than you'll ever know, 

thanks for being the best part of my day.  

My everything.

lackluster.

To be honest, I don't know how I ended up here.  I find myself mixed happiness and misery.  So happy to have my life filled with so many people that I love, yet sadness because I know that many of those relationships will be tested.  I guess I feel like this because it feels like at any moment the people I love, will be taken away from me.  That uncertainty and the unknown is what scares me the most, and is my main reason for crying so much nowadays.  Everything just seems so impossible, and a bit out of reach.  

Looking back to the begging of the school year and think about how fast the time has past. Within myself, much has changed.  The same person who started the year is there, but a bit different.  I can honestly say I don't know where my motivation has gone.  Something happened along the way from last semester to this semester.  Probably the fact that I know what I need to insure my entry into the nursing program and how it seems so impossible.  Or the fact that so many of the people I have gotten so close too in this short amount of time are leaving, and a part of me wishes that I was leaving with them.  

Regardless of the reason why I have become so unmotivated, I know I need to do something to change that.  What that is, I have no clue.  But rest a sure it'll come to me eventually.  Things can only get so bad until they can start getting better.  

It's hard to remind oneself that things will get better because you have now become so accustomed to things being at its worst.  I don't want to end this with you thinking that I have changed from the happy person that I always have been to some depressed lost girl.  Because I am still that happy person that's always going to look for the best in things, but just add in a bit of sadness every now and then.  

you can't be happy unless you've experienced being sad.  

thoughts.

my thoughts are quite scattered right now. And I don't really know what I'm writing about, but I'm just letting it flow.

I hate it when people ask me, "so tell me about yourself." How do you describe yourself in a few words? Yeah you can give them a list of adjectives that'll somewhat categorize your personality, but in no way do they define the person you are. Your actions speak louder than your words. In all honesty, I have issues describing myself. I hate those things on myspace, facebook, etc. that say "about me." Because where do you start? I know there only there to help give people a little information about who you are, but still I find that hard. Thats why I often don't fill them out.

But I am determined to figure out how to answer that question, and be happy with my answer. This is my attempt to describe what I think about myself: I don't know what I want. I am very very very complicated. I over think and I stress myself out to much. I love my family even though at times I can hate the things they do. I've realized that since my nephew was born I've learned to care more. I fall for people easily and I fall hard. I procrastinate way to much. I'm scared at the thought of being alone when I'm older. I think the person I am today was due in part of the way I was raised and the people I chose as my friends. To be perfectly honest I'm not sure if I want to be a nurse the rest of my life. I don't think its uncertainty about being a nurse, its me being uncertain whether or not I can actually do it. I doubt myself way too much, but yet I don't know how to fix that. I like opening doors for people. Its a habit for me to say sorry about the little things, like accidently running into people or spilling something even if its not my fault. But its hard for me to say sorry for the bigger things, or to admit I was wrong. I think I'm funny sometimes, but not always. I think I'm always going to be a little kid at heart, no matter what. When I see old people by themselves in the grocery store or anywhere for that matter, and their alone with no one to help them, I think about what if that was my parents or if that's going to be me and I scare myself. I know I can be mean and I'm jokingly mean to my friends all the time, but thats just the way I am. But I do care about people and I don't think anyone should ever take my jokingly mean-ness seriously. In fact, thats how you can tell if I'm comfortable with you or not, if I make fun of you. I am both a lover and a fighter. I don't physically fight with people, but I verbally fight with people and it is what it is. I do hold grudges but not many. I have a lot of secrets, some that I don't think I'll tell anyone ever. I know I'm not perfect, which sounds so cliche but true. I can admit that I'm not perfect and still I'm happy with the person I am. I just want to be a good person, which at heart, I know I am, but I could be better.

Thats all I can think of right now. Be happy with yourself, Be happy with your life, just be happy.

oh & ps. if you really took the time out to read that, thanks really.