you don't know until you've been through it

honestly, school is non-stop ever.  test after test, science class after science class.  i know it's possible and i know if i work my ass off i can do it.  but when the possible seems impossible, you're dreams seem that much harder to achieve.  you don't understand the shit that you have to go through just to get into the program. competition, competition, competition.  all you think about is whether or not your gonna make it.  Is that person going to take my spot, did i just fuck up my grade and lose my chance of getting in.  i don't want to seem rude or malicious, i know when people say "oh it's possible, you can do it" or "i'm sure you're gonna get in" they are trying to make a sincere effort to give  you that extra little push you need, but please don't tell me what i already know and don't give me false hope in something i'm not even sure i can do.  it's hard as hell but it's possible i know.  sometimes i think people try to downgrade how hard this shit is and comparing it to their own major or whatever their taking.  come to my classes, take my tests, think about all the people your competing with and then if you still feel that its not that hard, continue to downgrade, but just don't say shit to me.  everyone always says nursing hard, but damn I really never think it'd be this hard.  when the class average on a microbiology test was a 51% and the highest grade was a 81%, how can you say this isn't H.core

i really don't think you're gonna get the gist of what i'm feeling until you're actually in my place.   

to end on a happy, i really do appreciate those people who give some sort of encouragement.  well the appropriate encouragement and not the condescending type.  i love you guys and thanks, when i become a nurse i'll take care of your children if they have kidney problems! :]

and hook it up with free drugs, heeeey. 

funny how things work out.

to make things plain and simple, i've realized the people that matter to me in my life.  i won't beat around the bush there are people who i frankly don't consider to be my friends anymore.  and if you're reading this and your wondering if i consider you to still be my friend, then to tell you the truth we probably aren't if you had to question or wonder about it. but if you are really unsure about it, go ahead and ask me, i won't bite but if you are one of those people i don't consider my real friend you aren't going to like what i have to say to you.  

to be on a happier note i do love the friends i have now.  this whole college and distance thing really teaches you a lot about the strengths and weaknesses of friendships.  Claudette and Tracey probably live about 2 hours away yet i see them more than the people who live about 15mins from my house and aren't in school yet.  I had dinner with Tracey on friday just to talk about life and we literally spent the longest time just talking about everything.  it's not just because she actually picks me up to go hang out or eat dinner, she's always there when i need her even at 3am haha :]. i lover her to death and i love how the distance doesnt stop us from being friends.  Claudette, i know you will probably read this and all i have to say to you is that i love you to infiniti and beyond chunts, bestfriends forever and our kids will be best friends too! So i don't mean to single those two out but their i have to say thank you for putting effort into our friendship.  and a quick sidenote i can't imagine going to school with marc and ballada, they help keep me sane. so too claudi, trakez, marrrcos, kristinalynn, nikki jan, sean slater, carpz, justinhong kong, eric vee, and many others thanks for...caring in general i honestly love each of you.  and i'm sorry if i might have forgotten to add you, leave me a comment and i'll add you asap.  

and to add another side note school is fun, the people make it fun not the actual school part. but anyway here's a cute picture from my little surprise birthday shindig: 

btw. thanks for all the people that actually remembered my birthday i love you too, thanks for the texts, calls, etc :] 

you really made my day a lot better.