love.

I've come to the realization, that I'm really blessed to have the people I have in my life.  Regardless, of the bs that may come at times with friends and family, I still love them.  No relationship is ever perfect, and thats what makes it worth it.  I don't really know what I would do without them.  I never expected to meet such understanding people.  I never expected to be so open with them, but it happened and thank God it did.  

The people I've met so far in my life, have made me the person I am today.  Even those people that I've learned not to like or trust, because you've shown me what I never want to be.  For the people that have made an effort to stay in my life, I love you more than you'll ever know. I know that you can never be with the people you love every single day, but no matter where you are the fact that your heart beats for them shouldn't change.  The love you feel for them is everlasting.  

I love you more than you'll ever know, 

thanks for being the best part of my day.  

My everything.

lackluster.

To be honest, I don't know how I ended up here.  I find myself mixed happiness and misery.  So happy to have my life filled with so many people that I love, yet sadness because I know that many of those relationships will be tested.  I guess I feel like this because it feels like at any moment the people I love, will be taken away from me.  That uncertainty and the unknown is what scares me the most, and is my main reason for crying so much nowadays.  Everything just seems so impossible, and a bit out of reach.  

Looking back to the begging of the school year and think about how fast the time has past. Within myself, much has changed.  The same person who started the year is there, but a bit different.  I can honestly say I don't know where my motivation has gone.  Something happened along the way from last semester to this semester.  Probably the fact that I know what I need to insure my entry into the nursing program and how it seems so impossible.  Or the fact that so many of the people I have gotten so close too in this short amount of time are leaving, and a part of me wishes that I was leaving with them.  

Regardless of the reason why I have become so unmotivated, I know I need to do something to change that.  What that is, I have no clue.  But rest a sure it'll come to me eventually.  Things can only get so bad until they can start getting better.  

It's hard to remind oneself that things will get better because you have now become so accustomed to things being at its worst.  I don't want to end this with you thinking that I have changed from the happy person that I always have been to some depressed lost girl.  Because I am still that happy person that's always going to look for the best in things, but just add in a bit of sadness every now and then.  

you can't be happy unless you've experienced being sad.  

thoughts.

my thoughts are quite scattered right now. And I don't really know what I'm writing about, but I'm just letting it flow.

I hate it when people ask me, "so tell me about yourself." How do you describe yourself in a few words? Yeah you can give them a list of adjectives that'll somewhat categorize your personality, but in no way do they define the person you are. Your actions speak louder than your words. In all honesty, I have issues describing myself. I hate those things on myspace, facebook, etc. that say "about me." Because where do you start? I know there only there to help give people a little information about who you are, but still I find that hard. Thats why I often don't fill them out.

But I am determined to figure out how to answer that question, and be happy with my answer. This is my attempt to describe what I think about myself: I don't know what I want. I am very very very complicated. I over think and I stress myself out to much. I love my family even though at times I can hate the things they do. I've realized that since my nephew was born I've learned to care more. I fall for people easily and I fall hard. I procrastinate way to much. I'm scared at the thought of being alone when I'm older. I think the person I am today was due in part of the way I was raised and the people I chose as my friends. To be perfectly honest I'm not sure if I want to be a nurse the rest of my life. I don't think its uncertainty about being a nurse, its me being uncertain whether or not I can actually do it. I doubt myself way too much, but yet I don't know how to fix that. I like opening doors for people. Its a habit for me to say sorry about the little things, like accidently running into people or spilling something even if its not my fault. But its hard for me to say sorry for the bigger things, or to admit I was wrong. I think I'm funny sometimes, but not always. I think I'm always going to be a little kid at heart, no matter what. When I see old people by themselves in the grocery store or anywhere for that matter, and their alone with no one to help them, I think about what if that was my parents or if that's going to be me and I scare myself. I know I can be mean and I'm jokingly mean to my friends all the time, but thats just the way I am. But I do care about people and I don't think anyone should ever take my jokingly mean-ness seriously. In fact, thats how you can tell if I'm comfortable with you or not, if I make fun of you. I am both a lover and a fighter. I don't physically fight with people, but I verbally fight with people and it is what it is. I do hold grudges but not many. I have a lot of secrets, some that I don't think I'll tell anyone ever. I know I'm not perfect, which sounds so cliche but true. I can admit that I'm not perfect and still I'm happy with the person I am. I just want to be a good person, which at heart, I know I am, but I could be better.

Thats all I can think of right now. Be happy with yourself, Be happy with your life, just be happy.

oh & ps. if you really took the time out to read that, thanks really.

bittersweet.

"Sometimes love can come and pass you byWhile you're busy making plansSuddenly hit you, and then you realize it's out of your hands" -Beyonce, I am Sasha Fierce

it's funny how people you've only known for 4 months, learn to know who you are inside and out. what scares me is that i won't make the nursing program while everyone else will. what scares me most is that i have the potential of making the program, but my best friends, the people who have helped me earn that potential, might not.

we always complain about studying, more than we study and thats what brought us together. having one thing to hate, while learning all our similarities in the process. it's hard to believe that our first semester of college is over, and that we might not be seeing all of each other next semester. but regardless of the outcome, we all know how hard we worked, all the nights we barely slept to study. our random jokes about science that makes us sound like such nerds in the real world. our endless food runs to keep our stomach's satisfied for the late night ahead. and our famous quote "if i was the teacher, i'd give you an A, you'd get a labcoat"

if we don't all get into the program your still invited to my wedding. and we will always be CRU with a U (even though that sounds so lame.) thanks for being what i loved about school the most.

smiles.

since this thing is always filed with such sad posts its time indeed for a happy one. 

even though i have a huge micro test this wednesday, finals next monday, tuesday, wednesday and two more finals the week after, I've found a way to make me smile by thinking about thanksgiving, christmas, and BREAK :)

i love love love love love love love love christmas.  however, i feel so kawawa for thanksgiving,no one gives it a chance.  its such an unloved holiday, like just look at everywhere you go now its all decorated for christmas KOST 103.5 even started playing their christmas songs already. poor thanksgiving.  anyway i cannot wait to go shopping, be home, hang out with my family, and FINALLY take a break from school. ah, just thinking about christmas makes me happy.  during halloween i was excited for christmas, you can probably feel my excitement by just reading this.  i wanted to go decorate the bushes and trees outside my building but they might kick me out.  kay i need to go do something productive! ah i love christmas. 

here's a haiku: 

christmas songs and trees

lets take pictures with santa

cookies and milk,fat.

the hated, the forgotten, & the loved.

Dear ________, 

There are only a handful of people that I can say I hate and by chance or fate, whichever you prefer, you are one of them.  

Dear________, 

You may have started by having good intentions, but now I consider you a for lack of a better word, a bad friend.  I apologize for giving up on our friendship, but I just don't care and apparently neither do you.  

Dear________, 

Thanks for impacting my life so much that i can actually say i miss you and mean it.  I actually make an effort to keep our friendship, I know I'm always busy with studying and what not, but don't think i forgot about you.

*these are the 3 types of people I have in my life: the hated, the forgotten, and the loved.  decide for yourself what you are. 

sleep?

by far I have gotten the least amount of sleep this week.
wednesday night, well actually thursday morning i was going to sleep at around 1am and my friend jocelyn was going to sleep over in my room and as we walk to my room we smell smoke
and see fire on a mountain right next to our mountain. didn't really care much cause we were gonna go to sleep until our other friend adrienne told us that they told her to pack so we decided
to go help her pack. then all hell brakes loose and everyone on campus starts packing cause 6 firetrucks make their way up the mountain to come protect us. and as this is all occuring, i don't really care about the fire but whether or not i'm going to have anatomy with chang chang in the morning. so long story short, everyone was going crazy, i was having the time of my life watching them pack as if the fire was already buring our mountain. so we all pretty much stayed up till about 5am. we ate breakfast at around 5:30 went to sleep at 6am and then woke up at 12:30pm finding out that classes were cancelled :]

as for thursday night we started studying at 4pm and were in the classrooms studying/playing and projecting youtube videos on the projector till about um 3am. and i've come to the conclusion that the best things happen when everyone is on crack due to the lack of sleep and hungryness. since we were hungry our friend bought us some mcdonalds and we ate at around 3:30am in the student lounge. where me, marc, kristina, rosanna, rachel, adrienne, justine, jocelyn, andrea, chelsey all tried to study but ended up everyone falling asleep at around 4:00am. marc didn't sleep and left at 6am to go sleep in his room, and i fell asleep at around 5:45am. then around 7am ish me, andrea, adrienne, jocelyn, chelsey, and justine woke up in the student lounge because people started to come in to use the computers and actually work, a bit awkward. anywhoo then i went back to my room slept till about 9am then woke up to get ready for my microbiology test. so i slept for about a little more than 3 hours.

i think i'm becoming nocturnal. oh the things that happen on the mountain.